1998-Lesson #3

As the year starts I have dealt with some of the baby stages. I have been through the sleepless nights, frequent feedings, crawling and climbing into trouble. Now we are entering the toddler stages. We are starting to explore discipline. We are seeing what we have done right.

Lesson #3

Routine and Consistancy, words to live by

I think the thing that has effected general life the most is routine. Not a strict routine where I live by the clock. A rough guideline so baby knows what to expect. If babies body and mind know to expect a nap after lunch it is easier for them to accept and easier for them to fall asleep. If baby has a nice relaxing before bed routine it makes it easier for them to fall asleep. This is especially wonderful in years to come. When other children are having nighttime battles my children never knew their was even an option so never fought.

I am a person who prefers to know what to expect. Besides the only way I knew to parent was the way I was parented. Luckily my parents were wonderful in my opinion. So this naturally extended to my kids. Growing up I had a specific time to do homework, we had dinner the same time, and we had bed the same time. We started with a bedtime routine since she was just tiny. Starting at a couple months old we started with a bath, walk, book, bottle then bed in her crib. Even though she woke up a couple hours later to eat we kept her in her room (or ours) to eat and sleep all night. While during the day she slept wherever; the carseat, stroller, bassinette, etc. When she got older we had consistant mealtimes, naptimes, and now homework time. We weren't dictators, if we went on vacation we relaxed or an evening out changed the routine a little. But we tried to spend more time on tou routine then off. Now 3 kids later this still works, I have never had a child fight bedtime. That isn't to say they all slept through the night at birth or I have never coslept. Sometimes I have one that wakes up 15 minutes later or another still sleeping in my bed at a year old. In the long run though this has always resulted in a good sleeper. I have learned though that some kids actually need the routine, need it a lot more than others. My second becomes a bit unbearable when she is too far off her routine for too long.

People always ask me how my kids are all in bed by 8 pm. This is how, they don't know there is an option. I encourage them to get a routine and consistant time. If your child will be going to daycare or school outside the home you should probably chose an early bedtime. If you chose an early bedtime when they are young they will not have to adapt when you have to switch to an early bedtime to accomodate the waking early for school. Besides if the kids are all asleep by 8pm then you have time to spend with your spouse so who needs to hire a babysitter to go out on a date. It also gives you time for hobbies, that is also what I tell people when they ask how I have time to blog, crochet, scrapbook, etc with 4 small children.

When it comes to discipline, any method works as long as you are consistant. Consistancy is just an extension of routine. When you are consistant in discipline your child knows what to expect just as when you have a routine they know what to expect. This does not mean you have to be a dictator again with 100 house rules. No jumping on the sofa, no running in the house, eat all your dinner, etc. Make as few or many rules as is right for you and your family. We have few rules in our house, mainly they all revolve around respect. No name calling, hitting, etc. Everything else can change, 1 day jumping on the sofa may be fine whereas when we have people over it may not be. The consistancy for us comes in we always expect them to listen to what we are saying. So if I ask them to not jump on the sofa now because so and so is visiting. Then I always (consistantly) expect them to listen. There is never a time I expect them not to listen. We also consistantly have consequences. This means we do not tell them to stop jumping 100 times and go on to a 101 with a warning that is never followed through on. We tell them once, if we tell them again it includes telling them what consequence will be involved if they do not listen, the 3rd "strike" includes enacting the consequence. If you give them 100 chances one time but only 2 another time they have no way to know if you mean what you say and will actually follow through this time.

Introduction

Everyone learns every day. Life is a wonderful teacher. The biggest assumption is that we need formal teaching, school, to learn the most. It's a matter of importance, is academics the most important part of life? I certainly do not discount academics. I love learning about everything. I loved school and I think schooling teaches us a lot, academically and more. But I think important lessons are also taught through life. That is, they are taught, if we are willing to listen and to learn.

Children are frequently misunderstood. Just because academically they are not a scholar or a mature adult, just because they still have much to learn, does not mean they do not have much to teach.

If we listen and learn together with our children they can teach us so much. Much of what they can teach us most people would initially veiw as "common sense". Things you are sure you already knew, but knowing and actually using are two entirely different things. Children teach us to be a better person. Children teach us to veiw and appreciate the world differently. Children teach us to enjoy life. Most importantly, when you are a parent, children teach us to parent. Every child is different, therefore, every child teaches differently. Every child teaches us something, something different. No child should be seen and not heard. No child should not be learned from. It is time we listened to innocence.

I am not a professor, I am not a doctor, I am not a pychiatrist, I haven't even finished my bachelors degree. I am a mother, a mother of 4, an aunt to 5 and at times I have been a nanny. Most importantly I am willing to listen. This is what all my children have taught me.

1996 Lesson #1

This is the year my first daughter was born. The year it all jumpstarted. As the oldest child and grandchild I babysat for children most of my life. Then in college I took that experience and used it to nanny. But nothing is the same as having your own. I had no neices or nephews yet. As this year started I found myself pregnant with my first child.

As I had done most things in my life, I was ready to study into perfection. I started with "What to Expect When Your Expecting", reading it cover to cover. I then moved onto "What To Expect The First Year". I now knew exactly what to expect, right? That with all the experience I had with other people's children, even my own sister (9 years younger), I was ready. I knew about frequent feedings, night waking, terrible two's, how to pack a diaper bag, how to change a diaper, teething. After a little read of the "Consumer Reports Guide To Baby Products" I was ready to shop and register. Now I was ready to be a perfect mom of my textbook baby.

Year 1

Now what? Baby's here and I know what to expect. But noone can tell you how to feel. You have so many feelings. Including gut feelings on what is the "right" thing to do. Now here is when you have that "choice" to make. Follow the "experts" advice on what is now the most popular and recommended way to parent or do you follow your instincts? Three problems arise here; 1) every baby is different 2) advice changes like the wind and 3) every parenting "style" has an "expert" to back it up. In other words, the experts can't even agree. So who is the real "expert"? Let's look at #1 again, every baby is different. Do you know your baby? Listen to your baby. Yes, I know all she does is cry. But she still communicates; in cries, smiles, happy periods, upset periods; if you listen and pay attention you already know your baby well. What about those experts? You know, the ones who have never even met your baby, the one's who haven't "talked" to her. Now who do you think knows YOUR baby best?

Luckily I only read books on baby development, I never thought there was a difference between those and books on "parenting". So my only option was to follow my instincts, do what I thought felt right.

That is lesson #1

Trust Your Instincts

Was I right? Well my daughter did well, she was happy, content, healthy. There was really no way to know for sure right then though. Unfotunately that is how parenting is, you don't have a crystal ball to see how it turns out. That daughter is now 9 though and so far it looks like we have done well. We are frequently complemented on how wonderful she is by adults, she has friends, is still healthy and smart.

Our theory was tested though. When she was 4 months old she got sick. A cold I suspect but it just kept getting worse. So I took her to the "expert", our pediatrician. He did his thing, he looked and listened in all the right places. It's just a cold, try saline and a bulb syringe. He didn't know her like I do though, she was getting worse, it may have been a cold but she is miserable, there is something wrong now. I took her back, a virus, and back, a cold, and back and back. I trusted my instincts, I knew she was sick. Finally they said if it would make me feel better they would do a blood count to make sure everything was OK. Her white blood count came back so high they said she had an infection. It was so bad they said had she been a week younger they would have hospitalized her (wasn't I here last week, oh and the one before?). They had us there all day doing tests. They had to give her antibiotic shots and bring us back 2 more times for follow ups. In the end she got better and was fine. I trusted my instincts though and that was what got her better.

Luckily I learned that lesson early. That lesson has come in handy more times than I can count. Of course each time I am right I become more confident. You just have to remember that each time you are wrong is not a "mistake" but a learning opportunity. Don't get discouraged when you are wrong, instead continue learning. It is always better to be safe than sorry. At least knowing will always help you relax and that benefits everyone.